Bigger Than Santa: 12 Christmas Songs in 12 Christmas Days

by Fortress of Attitude

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Fortress of Attitude wrote 12 songs in 12 days for Christmas 2012. This is the awesome result.

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released December 13, 2012

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Fortress of Attitude New York, New York

Comedy rock from NYC.

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Track Name: Raise Plow!
There’s wet sleet on your road
You got some dangerous curves
But I’ve got a wide load
and I ain’t gonna swerve

Oh, you was an ice queen
but you’re getting slushy now
‘cause I’m spreading your snow
with my big fat plow

Raise Plow!

(now fellas)
When there's snow blocking your route
but you want to push through
it’s a slippery slope,
And there's just one thing to do

You gotta gas up that plow
Grab the keys off the shelf
cause the snow’s piled high
And it won’t plow itself

Raise Plow!
You gotta
Raise YOUR Plow!

come on now, you seen the size of my plow ain’t you?

(hey honey)
Now the streets are all cleared
And here comes the school bus
Now I can plow into you
And your kids won’t bother us

Yeah, we’re getting some traction,
Spraying salt on your ground,
My plow is ready for action,
Pile some snow on your mounds

Raise Plow!
You gotta
Raise YOUR Plow!

(oh baby)
I checked your list,
You checked mine twice,
I was real naughty, you wasn’t so nice
just when I thought the season
was coming to an end,
The snow’s coming down,
Another storm’s rolling in!

Raise Plow!

Solo!

The ice is melting,
But I’m still here
I’ll plow this pavement
all through the year
I don’t care if it’s
After the thaw
I got one mission:
To plow you raw

Raise Plow!
Track Name: It's Fucking Cold Outside
There’s frost on the windows and my ears are numb
It’s fucking cold outside
People who build snowmen are dumb
It’s fucking cold outside
Took my dog for a walk he got hit a plow
But it’s too cold for a dog funeral now
It’s fucking cold outside
It’s fucking cold outside

Saw some kids in a snowball fight
don’t they know it’s fucking cold outside
The sun goes down sooner every night
cause it fucking knows it’s fucking cold outside

My car got stuck in a foot of snow
I prayed to God for help and he just said no
He said it's fucking cold outside
It's fucking cold outside.
spoken: Try me again in the spring.

My wife’s in labor, gonna give birth today
I told her, I can’t make it, it’s fucking cold outside
Call my son up in the womb told him to wait until May
He said, no prob dad, it’s fucking cold outside

A man with an ax just broke inside
but I didn’t run away, no, just laid here and died
because it’s cold outside
it’s fucking cold outside

Fucking cold outside...
Track Name: Yippie-ki-yay
Don't give me no It's A Wonderful Life
Don't give me no Charlie Brown
Don't give me A Christmas Carol
That's not how I get down

When I curl up with my baby on Christmas Eve
There's just one holiday film that's got everything that I need

I need Die Hard!
Yippie Kay Yay
Hans Gruber
And John McClane
This holiday
That's how I celebrate

Come out to the coast
We'll have a few laughs
Jokes on you, John McClane
Shoot the glass

You shoulda known when you made those
Fists with your toes, fists with your toes
But now you have a machine gun
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho

Die Hard
Yippie Kay Yay
Nakatomi
Plaza in LA
That's where we're gonna
in rain or sleet or snow

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-l, Al shot a kid
The kid had a ray gun it looked real I swear man it did
And Argyle, he was safe in the parking lot
But poor Ellis... went and got himself shot
Hans booby Hans Booby Hans Booby, oh!

Die Hard
Yippie Kay Yay
Holly Genero
is the reason we're all here today

So that's what we're gonna do
Even if it's Die Hard 2
But ideally
It's Die Hard 1
Track Name: I Shot Rudolph And I'm Sorry
I was driving cattle past the county line
started shooting bucks just to pass the time
I shot rudolph
rudolph reindeer

I heard the tales when I was child
‘bout a nose that’s red as a fire is wild
I shot rudolph
rudolph the reindeer

He looked up and he tried to run
but I shot him in the back with my daddy’s gun
I shot rudolph
rudolph the reindeer
I shot rudolph
the famous reindeer

I shot rudolph, I shot him dead
yeah his nose ain’t the only thing that’s red
I shot rudolph
rudolph the reindeer

The sun was setting like a purple bruise
won’t be long til Santa hears the news
I shot rudolph
rudolph the reindeer

Well I tried to run
but them elves is quick
they took me back to face old St. Nick
i shot rudolph
rudolph reindeer
I shot rudolph
his favorite reindeer

I shot rudolph and I’m sorry

They threw me into a candy cane cell
Mrs. Claus said she hoped I burn in hell
I shot rudolph
rudolph the reindeer

The white moon shines bright over the north pole
tonight I pray for my very soul
I shot rudolph
rudolph the reindeer

I was tried by an elf jury of my peers
and they gave me a hundred thousand millions years
I shot rudolph
rudolph the reindeer
That God Damn reindeer

But Santa’s the boss, this is what he said
That rat gets the death penalty instead
I shot rudolph
rudolph the reindeer

Santa sure made an example of me
he strung me up to the North Pole tree
I shot rudolph
rudolph the reindeer

So now that my whole life is spent
I’ll hang forever as an ornament
I shot rudolph
rudolph the reindeer
I shot rudolph
the red-nosed reindeer
and I’m sorry
I shot rudolph and I’m sorry
oooooh
(reindeer noise)
Track Name: New Years Steve
Your New Years party sounds cool
But I’ve got some other plans
A party put on by a man
They call New Years Steve
You just wouldn’t believe

It’s invitation only
to his penthouse level apartment
perched over the escarpement
it’s the best view in the world

There’s a chocolate fountain you can wade right into,
And everything is smeared with caviar,
And if you don't have a ride
He'll send out a car,

You gotta believe
in New Year’s Steve
The sun’s coming up but you won’t wanna leave
His name is New Year’s Steve

The music won’t be too loud
but it won’t be too quiet either
and if you have to take a breather
there’s a sweet patio

I saw Scarlett Johanson
Dancing with Ted Danson
I heard Marilyn Manson
didn’t get in

There’s a fireworks show every half an hour
He flew in Elton John to sing just one song
and he built a time machine
in case anything goes wrong

You gotta believe
in New Year’s Steve
if you got headache, he’s got some Aleve
His name is New Year’s Steve

And the ball will drop from one mile up
Everyone will drink from a solid gold cup
And when you taste the champagne it’ll blow your mind
you know you gotta get there on time!
for New Years Steve

When the clock finally strikes midnight
Everyone will have someone to kiss
Even that weird guy with a lisp
Steve has seen to that

And as the ball goes down
and everyone begins to cheer
only one man can’t hear
It’s New Years Steve
He’s alone in his room
Thinking about next year

He’s all alone...
Thinking about next year...

You gotta believe
in New Year’s Steve
In a life full of pain it’s our only reprieve
A greater party humankind has yet to conceive
If you think you can throw a better party you’re being naive
he brought Dick Clark back to life for New Years Rockin Eve
Don’t bring your dog, that’s his only pet peeve
Just thinking about it now makes it hard to breathe
He even sewed back that missing button on my sleeve
So I recommend you get down on your knees
And say thanks to New Years Steve!
Track Name: Bomb Threat Christmas
On Christmas morning all the packages were opened
And I'd gotten everything for which I had been hoping
but there was one strange package left lying all alone
mom and dad didn't know where it came from so they picked up the phone

and called the FBI
and that is why

It was a bomb threat Christmas
and everybody misses
the point of Christmas when they're scared
It's hard to protect us
but tell me what the heck is
the point of gifts if they're not shared

The package might be ready to blow
so get under the mistle toe
and kiss me goodbye

The captain asked my dad who might mean to do him harm
He said “My mother in law has always been immune to my charms”
The bomb dogs started barking, they detected something wrong
and my mom said, “We're expecting company, I hope this won't take long.”

And now the local news
Is waiting on the fuse

As the robot arm moved in we heard the doorbell ring
There were Christmas carolers singing if you see something say something

When the arm opened the package we were all surprised because
Inside was a plaquard that said “Peace on Earth” and the card said “Santa Claus”

Chorus

And if you're feeling anxious from all the stress that Christmas brings
Maybe a Bomb threat Christmas will make you give thanks for the little things
Track Name: Bagel Bagel Bagel
I had a little bagel, I made it out of dough.
I put it in the oven, and watched my bagel grow!

O, Bagel bagel bagel, I made you out of dough.
I put you in the oven, and watched my bagel grow!

I had a little bagel, I made it out of turkey.
I served it to my vegan friend and then he went berserky.

O, Bagel bagel bagel, I made you out of turkey.
I served you to my vegan friend and then he went berserky.

I had a little bagel, I made it out of jelly.
Tried to spread some jelly on it but it was too much jelly.

O, Bagel bagel bagel, I made you out of jelly.
Tried to spread some jelly on you but it was too much jelly.

I had a little bagel, I made it out of thoughts.
But thinking of my wasted youth does not go well with lox.

O, Bagel bagel bagel, I made you out of thoughts.
But thinking of my wasted youth does not go well with lox.

I had a little bagel with mozzarella cheese.
Learned that a pizza bagel flares up my Crohn’s disease.

O, Bagel bagel bagel with mozzarella cheese.
Learned that a pizza bagel flares up my Crohn’s disease

I had a little bagel, I gave it to Hamas
And though they loved the bagel, they still demanded an islamic fundamentalist Palestinian state

O, Bagel bagel bagel, I gave it to Hamas
And they loved the bagel, they still demanded an Islamic fundamentalist Palestinian state

I had a little bagel, I put it in a cannon.
Did not want to kill no one, just scare my ex-wife Shannon.

O, Bagel bagel bagel, I put you in a cannon.
Did not want to kill no one, just scare my ex-wife Shannon.

I had a little bagel, and we had some good times.
They all came to an end when I ran out of dumb rhymes.

O, Bagel bagel bagel, we had good times.
They all came to an end when I ran out of dumb rhymes.
Track Name: Dogs Don't Know It's Christmas Time
It’s Christmas time
but dogs don’t really notice
no caroling,
no parties do they plan

Has anyone told them
about the tale of Santa
If anyone did,
would they even understand?

We buy them toys
but they just eat the wrapping
we buy them bones
they just drink from toilet bowls

But this is the year,
we teach them about Christmas
this is the year,
we save their furry souls

Because their isn’t any Christmas for the doggies
No matter what we buy them at the mall
it’s all the same to them
but we can change that in the end
Dogs Don’t Know It’s Christmas time at all

Teach them that
Santa flies inside a sleigh
Make them list
all the toys they want each day
Give them gifts
only they have been good
Make them bake
Gingerbread men like they should

CHORUS

They’re just dogs
They pee on all our stuff
They’re just dogs
Do they even know we love them?

DOG BARKING SOLO

because Dogs Don’t Know It’s Christmas time at all

Feed the Dogs -- let them know it’s Christmas time!