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Bigger Than Santa: 12 Christmas Songs in 12 Christmas Days

by Fortress of Attitude

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1.
Raise Plow! 02:54
There’s wet sleet on your road You got some dangerous curves But I’ve got a wide load and I ain’t gonna swerve Oh, you was an ice queen but you’re getting slushy now ‘cause I’m spreading your snow with my big fat plow Raise Plow! (now fellas) When there's snow blocking your route but you want to push through it’s a slippery slope, And there's just one thing to do You gotta gas up that plow Grab the keys off the shelf cause the snow’s piled high And it won’t plow itself Raise Plow! You gotta Raise YOUR Plow! come on now, you seen the size of my plow ain’t you? (hey honey) Now the streets are all cleared And here comes the school bus Now I can plow into you And your kids won’t bother us Yeah, we’re getting some traction, Spraying salt on your ground, My plow is ready for action, Pile some snow on your mounds Raise Plow! You gotta Raise YOUR Plow! (oh baby) I checked your list, You checked mine twice, I was real naughty, you wasn’t so nice just when I thought the season was coming to an end, The snow’s coming down, Another storm’s rolling in! Raise Plow! Solo! The ice is melting, But I’m still here I’ll plow this pavement all through the year I don’t care if it’s After the thaw I got one mission: To plow you raw Raise Plow!
2.
There’s frost on the windows and my ears are numb It’s fucking cold outside People who build snowmen are dumb It’s fucking cold outside Took my dog for a walk he got hit a plow But it’s too cold for a dog funeral now It’s fucking cold outside It’s fucking cold outside Saw some kids in a snowball fight don’t they know it’s fucking cold outside The sun goes down sooner every night cause it fucking knows it’s fucking cold outside My car got stuck in a foot of snow I prayed to God for help and he just said no He said it's fucking cold outside It's fucking cold outside. spoken: Try me again in the spring. My wife’s in labor, gonna give birth today I told her, I can’t make it, it’s fucking cold outside Call my son up in the womb told him to wait until May He said, no prob dad, it’s fucking cold outside A man with an ax just broke inside but I didn’t run away, no, just laid here and died because it’s cold outside it’s fucking cold outside Fucking cold outside...
3.
Don't give me no It's A Wonderful Life Don't give me no Charlie Brown Don't give me A Christmas Carol That's not how I get down When I curl up with my baby on Christmas Eve There's just one holiday film that's got everything that I need I need Die Hard! Yippie Kay Yay Hans Gruber And John McClane This holiday That's how I celebrate Come out to the coast We'll have a few laughs Jokes on you, John McClane Shoot the glass You shoulda known when you made those Fists with your toes, fists with your toes But now you have a machine gun Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho Die Hard Yippie Kay Yay Nakatomi Plaza in LA That's where we're gonna in rain or sleet or snow A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-l, Al shot a kid The kid had a ray gun it looked real I swear man it did And Argyle, he was safe in the parking lot But poor Ellis... went and got himself shot Hans booby Hans Booby Hans Booby, oh! Die Hard Yippie Kay Yay Holly Genero is the reason we're all here today So that's what we're gonna do Even if it's Die Hard 2 But ideally It's Die Hard 1
4.
I was driving cattle past the county line started shooting bucks just to pass the time I shot rudolph rudolph reindeer I heard the tales when I was child ‘bout a nose that’s red as a fire is wild I shot rudolph rudolph the reindeer He looked up and he tried to run but I shot him in the back with my daddy’s gun I shot rudolph rudolph the reindeer I shot rudolph the famous reindeer I shot rudolph, I shot him dead yeah his nose ain’t the only thing that’s red I shot rudolph rudolph the reindeer The sun was setting like a purple bruise won’t be long til Santa hears the news I shot rudolph rudolph the reindeer Well I tried to run but them elves is quick they took me back to face old St. Nick i shot rudolph rudolph reindeer I shot rudolph his favorite reindeer I shot rudolph and I’m sorry They threw me into a candy cane cell Mrs. Claus said she hoped I burn in hell I shot rudolph rudolph the reindeer The white moon shines bright over the north pole tonight I pray for my very soul I shot rudolph rudolph the reindeer I was tried by an elf jury of my peers and they gave me a hundred thousand millions years I shot rudolph rudolph the reindeer That God Damn reindeer But Santa’s the boss, this is what he said That rat gets the death penalty instead I shot rudolph rudolph the reindeer Santa sure made an example of me he strung me up to the North Pole tree I shot rudolph rudolph the reindeer So now that my whole life is spent I’ll hang forever as an ornament I shot rudolph rudolph the reindeer I shot rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and I’m sorry I shot rudolph and I’m sorry oooooh (reindeer noise)
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Your New Years party sounds cool But I’ve got some other plans A party put on by a man They call New Years Steve You just wouldn’t believe It’s invitation only to his penthouse level apartment perched over the escarpement it’s the best view in the world There’s a chocolate fountain you can wade right into, And everything is smeared with caviar, And if you don't have a ride He'll send out a car, You gotta believe in New Year’s Steve The sun’s coming up but you won’t wanna leave His name is New Year’s Steve The music won’t be too loud but it won’t be too quiet either and if you have to take a breather there’s a sweet patio I saw Scarlett Johanson Dancing with Ted Danson I heard Marilyn Manson didn’t get in There’s a fireworks show every half an hour He flew in Elton John to sing just one song and he built a time machine in case anything goes wrong You gotta believe in New Year’s Steve if you got headache, he’s got some Aleve His name is New Year’s Steve And the ball will drop from one mile up Everyone will drink from a solid gold cup And when you taste the champagne it’ll blow your mind you know you gotta get there on time! for New Years Steve When the clock finally strikes midnight Everyone will have someone to kiss Even that weird guy with a lisp Steve has seen to that And as the ball goes down and everyone begins to cheer only one man can’t hear It’s New Years Steve He’s alone in his room Thinking about next year He’s all alone... Thinking about next year... You gotta believe in New Year’s Steve In a life full of pain it’s our only reprieve A greater party humankind has yet to conceive If you think you can throw a better party you’re being naive he brought Dick Clark back to life for New Years Rockin Eve Don’t bring your dog, that’s his only pet peeve Just thinking about it now makes it hard to breathe He even sewed back that missing button on my sleeve So I recommend you get down on your knees And say thanks to New Years Steve!
9.
On Christmas morning all the packages were opened And I'd gotten everything for which I had been hoping but there was one strange package left lying all alone mom and dad didn't know where it came from so they picked up the phone and called the FBI and that is why It was a bomb threat Christmas and everybody misses the point of Christmas when they're scared It's hard to protect us but tell me what the heck is the point of gifts if they're not shared The package might be ready to blow so get under the mistle toe and kiss me goodbye The captain asked my dad who might mean to do him harm He said “My mother in law has always been immune to my charms” The bomb dogs started barking, they detected something wrong and my mom said, “We're expecting company, I hope this won't take long.” And now the local news Is waiting on the fuse As the robot arm moved in we heard the doorbell ring There were Christmas carolers singing if you see something say something When the arm opened the package we were all surprised because Inside was a plaquard that said “Peace on Earth” and the card said “Santa Claus” Chorus And if you're feeling anxious from all the stress that Christmas brings Maybe a Bomb threat Christmas will make you give thanks for the little things
10.
I had a little bagel, I made it out of dough. I put it in the oven, and watched my bagel grow! O, Bagel bagel bagel, I made you out of dough. I put you in the oven, and watched my bagel grow! I had a little bagel, I made it out of turkey. I served it to my vegan friend and then he went berserky. O, Bagel bagel bagel, I made you out of turkey. I served you to my vegan friend and then he went berserky. I had a little bagel, I made it out of jelly. Tried to spread some jelly on it but it was too much jelly. O, Bagel bagel bagel, I made you out of jelly. Tried to spread some jelly on you but it was too much jelly. I had a little bagel, I made it out of thoughts. But thinking of my wasted youth does not go well with lox. O, Bagel bagel bagel, I made you out of thoughts. But thinking of my wasted youth does not go well with lox. I had a little bagel with mozzarella cheese. Learned that a pizza bagel flares up my Crohn’s disease. O, Bagel bagel bagel with mozzarella cheese. Learned that a pizza bagel flares up my Crohn’s disease I had a little bagel, I gave it to Hamas And though they loved the bagel, they still demanded an islamic fundamentalist Palestinian state O, Bagel bagel bagel, I gave it to Hamas And they loved the bagel, they still demanded an Islamic fundamentalist Palestinian state I had a little bagel, I put it in a cannon. Did not want to kill no one, just scare my ex-wife Shannon. O, Bagel bagel bagel, I put you in a cannon. Did not want to kill no one, just scare my ex-wife Shannon. I had a little bagel, and we had some good times. They all came to an end when I ran out of dumb rhymes. O, Bagel bagel bagel, we had good times. They all came to an end when I ran out of dumb rhymes.
11.
It’s Christmas time but dogs don’t really notice no caroling, no parties do they plan Has anyone told them about the tale of Santa If anyone did, would they even understand? We buy them toys but they just eat the wrapping we buy them bones they just drink from toilet bowls But this is the year, we teach them about Christmas this is the year, we save their furry souls Because their isn’t any Christmas for the doggies No matter what we buy them at the mall it’s all the same to them but we can change that in the end Dogs Don’t Know It’s Christmas time at all Teach them that Santa flies inside a sleigh Make them list all the toys they want each day Give them gifts only they have been good Make them bake Gingerbread men like they should CHORUS They’re just dogs They pee on all our stuff They’re just dogs Do they even know we love them? DOG BARKING SOLO because Dogs Don’t Know It’s Christmas time at all Feed the Dogs -- let them know it’s Christmas time!
12.

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Fortress of Attitude wrote 12 songs in 12 days for Christmas 2012. This is the awesome result.

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released December 13, 2012

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Fortress of Attitude New York, New York

Comedy rock from NYC.

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