Movie Review Songs

by Fortress of Attitude

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FoA reviews movies in the only way they know how: THROUGH SONG!

Check out these sweet accompanying videos:

Movie Review Song Playlist:

1. Texas Chainsaw 3D -
2. A Good Day To Die Hard -
3. Oz The Great and Powerful -
4. G.I. Joe: Retaliation -
5. Evil Dead -
6. Oblivion -
7. Iron Man 3 -
8. The Great Gatsby -
9. Star Trek Into Darkness -
10. Man of Steel -
11. The Lone Ranger -
12. Kick-Ass 2 -
13. Don Jon -
14. Carrie -
15. Oldboy -
16. Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues -
17. Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit/Devil's Due -


released January 13, 2013




Fortress of Attitude New York, New York

Comedy rock from NYC.

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Track Name: Texas Chainsaw 3D
We've all seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well in this new one they mostly just dropped the last word
There's a weird small town conspiracy
I guess that gets Leatherface some sympathy

But they're not really breaking new ground
Reusing that old Polaroid sound
There ain't even no nudity
And that's the real horror to me!

Texas Chainsaw 3D
Woulda been better in 2D (less money)
I can't say that you should see
Texas Chainsaw 3D (Maybe on NetFlix)
Track Name: A Good Day To Die Hard
Die Hard 1, a goddamn classic
Die Hard 2, slightly less classic
Die Hard 3, better than Die Hard 4
Die Hard 5, don't wanna Die Hard no more!

He's smashing cars, and shooting guns
If I knew what was happening maybe this would be more fun
As for the plot, that won't take long
We put more thought into this song (and that's not saying much)

Directed by John Moore
Don't think he's ever seen a Die Hard movie before

It's a Good Day to Die Hard
Don't even see it if you're paying with a gift card
John McClaine used to be the coolest dude
Stop playing John McClaine Bruce Willis, just go play the blues

It's a Good Day to Die Hard
It was directed by a retard
But I'm sure it's gonna make bank over seas
So brace yourself, they're not done making these!
Track Name: Oz The Great & Powerful
We just watched James Franco, ride a tornado to Oz
We'd rather be in a tornado, than watch his performance as Oz
Yes, Oz was his name, but it's also the place that he was
A place full of splendor and munchkins and winkies, but this movie still sucks because
because, because, because, because
Because of the terrible mess it was

Oz The Great and Powerful
should be
Oz the Flat and Forgettable
Oz should have never been made
before they answerd some basic questions
There's an east, west, and south witch
what happened to the north witch?
Why is there just one nice flying monkey?
What did we do to piss off the other monkees?
Will this movie sync up to Dark Side of The Moon?
And why doesn't Oz ever want to go home?
Doesn't everybody just want to go home?
Halfway through the movie, I just want to go home
But it's nice to see Zach Braff working again
Track Name: GI Joe: Retaliation
When I was just a boy, I used to play with GI Joes, oh the crazy things I'd make them do
Now the Rock, and Magic Mike, and John McClane all got together to make my childhood fantasies come true...GI Joe 2...

There are nanobots are hiding the imposter president
who goes and destroys London with a crazy rod from outerspace
There are ninjas on a zipline
a motorcycle made of rockets
and an avalanche that kills those zipline ninjas

Directed by John M. Chu, I assume he's 10-years-old
based on the action sequences and way the plot unfolds

Yes, it all seems crazy, not everything makes sense
but who amongst had a childhood that made any sense

Yo Joe
It's not a classic, but it'll do the trick
So hold onto your popcorn with that kung-fu grip
Yo Joe
Check your brain at the door, enjoy the din and rattle
Now you know what you're in for and knowing's half the battle
Track Name: Evil Dead
When you find a book
out in the woods
that says don't read me
You gotta read it

It's written in blood
and bound in flesh
and it'll raise the dead
what the hell, just read it

Admit it, you were scared when you heard they were gonna remake Evil Dead
Hollywood could have made another turd, but they shit out something awesome instead

if you want tree rape its got it
split tongue its got it
blood vomit
if you're sick like us this'll get you off

There's something in the woods, I think it might be evil
We're all gonna die tonight, and then we'll become evil
She's evil, trees evil, you gotta go see evil dead
Track Name: Oblivion
If you want to see a movie about a trashman living in the ruins of an abandoned Earth, there's only one movie you really gotta see, and it goes by the name of Wall-E

But if you want to see a 2013 release about a man on Earth after all the humans left, well your best bet to be entertained is probably After Earth

But that's not out yet
so until then what we got

There's something familiar about this
Like we're walking through sci-fis greatest hits

You like Morpheus
They got old Morpheus

Dogfights in a canyon

And Tom Cruise in a Yankees cap

Spoiler Alert!

There are twists in this film
Nothing is as it seems
but it's exactly what you think

Spoiler Alert!

The gist of this film
is that it's really pretty to look at
but it's not gonna blow your mind

And the pod chick is pretty hot
And I wanted the drones to win
And Tom Cruise forgot how to smile
Track Name: Iron Man 3
It's been a long, cold winter, stuck with Jack Reacher and Gangster Squad
I must admit I took some comfort with Identity Thief, so help me God

And the calendar says summer don't start for six more weeks, but you and I both know summer starts with Iron Man 3

Tony Stark man, where you been man, Avengers seems so long ago
I miss your quips and your goateed lips and did I forgot your sweet ass Iron Man suit

I don't care if the plot is thin, I don't care if they messed up the Madarin
Give me a suit, I know you got a spare, Hell, it looks like you got them stashed everywhere

Iron Man 3, you got a hold on me
long as you got Downey, then you got my money

I don't care that you gave the bad guys your address, sorry they blew up your house but I could have guessed

Iron Man 3, I've been holding in my pee just for you.
Track Name: The Great Gatsby
We all read the Great Gatsby in 9th grade
and thought it would cool to be Nick Caraway
now finally a new movie has been made
that shows us how strange it would be to hang with Jay

You'd like his parties
You'd like his women
you probably wouldn't mind watching him swimming
but soon you'd find he's one messed up dude

He's always bragging about his medals
driving way too fast
hanging out with gangsters
and clinging to the past

He'll make you go to awkward brunches
ignore those weird phone calls
watch him dancing with your cousin
And he'll make you film it all

The Great Gatsby
The green light is calling
It's as boring as it is enthralling

Nick Caraway should have been balling
Jordan, but Baz Luhrman doesn't agree
He'd rather distract you with songs by Jay-Z
The Good Gatsby
Track Name: Star Trek Into Darkness
Kirk and Spock in a bromance
Spock and Uhura in a romance
There's Scotty and Sulu, Bones with his grumpy face
It's basically like Cheers in Space

Moral dilemmas
secret reveals
long conversations about how they feel
is it crazy that we think the best parts
are when the action stops and the talking starts

Star Trek Into Darkness you make my heart go warmer
cause you fit in all the action without becoming Transformers

It might not be better than the first one
but hop in your transporters and set your phasers to fun

Why can't summer movies just be like this?
Star Trek Into Darkness
Track Name: Man of Steel
The Kryptonians have sealed their fate
don't know why they can't evacuate
But they've sent their only hope on off to earth

There Kal-el will be a God
Unfortunately so will Zod
So far seems like we'll get our money's worth

The ultimate illegal alien
His daddy thinks he won't fit in
But he can't help but save you with his massive girth

For two thirds it's going swell
But then the last act goes to hell
It all adds up to yet another hero's birth

Man of Steel's
Full of fire and smoke
But when all that clears
It could use some jokes

A brooding hero's origins
Felt strangely
like Batman Begins

But you should see it still
cause your friends all will
And nobody likes to be left out
Track Name: The Lone Ranger
No one was asking for this, the results were mostly tiring
They redid The Lone Ranger, I guess the rights were expiring

It stars a guy named Armie Hammer as the Lone Ranger
with a name like Armie Hammer he should be in the BONE Ranger

To become the Lone Ranger, he had to learn hard lessons about life
He had to learn to use guns, learn to be an outlaw, learn to have sex with his brother's wife

And Tonto, poor Tonto, he's played by a White Man
His best friend is a dead crow and he's a huge Buster Keaton fan

Lone Ranger's in danger, of being a non-starter
Lone Ranger you're stranger than Disney's last flop John Carter

but if you want to see
a Gore Verbinkski
western movie
starring Johnny Depp

see Rango
Track Name: Kick Ass 2
It's the end of the summer
nothing much left to do
and I know it's a bummer
but we gotta see Kick-Ass 2

Can't remember the first one
thought it'd matter but it doesn't
KickAss still sucks, Hit Girl's still the best, and the bad guy's still McLovin

And Kickass as a hero
you know you really suck
Everyone around you is dying
and you don't seem to give a fuck

And they want us to believe this is the really real world
(this ain't no comic book)
But bodies don't fall apart when hit by a little girl
(well, it's based on a comic book)

Even Jim Carrey won't promote this shit
(somebody stop me)
this coming from a guy who thought Burt Wonderstone would be a hit

Kick-Ass 2
(should've been been called Hit Girl)
what did you do?
(or Lick-Ass or Owl-Fuck)
what's wrong with you?
(Now I'm just saying stuff)

Kick-Ass 2
(I miss Nick Cage)
shame on you
(He was funny in the first one)
you really blew
(Have you seen Drive Angry? It's weird, man)
Track Name: Don Jon
Yo Check it

Fortress of Attitude back on the mic
to review a movie that we actually liked

So turn the volume of your iphone on
and listen as we tell you about Don Jon

He rocks the Jersey Shore like Pauly D
and ScarJo's kicking it like Snooki

Aaaah, Porno, is his addiction
if you ask me that's not much of an affliction

He says guy watch pornos nightly
but for us, that's putting it lightly

Julianne Moore is still the queen
of Oscar Nominees who love sex scenes

So it's no surprise when she shows up
as an insightful widow who loves to fuck

Ooooh, Casting gets one more stanza
what else is there to say but Tony Danza?!

Go see Don Jon
Get your porno on

JGL at the helm, a surprising debut
we're glad to know he's a porno freak too

Strong performances, self-assured direction
not bad for a movie about erections

Breezy, sleazy, it goes down easy
a modern romance that ain't even cheesy

made my dick hard, and it made think,
gonna contemplate when I'm on gimmepink

Go see Don Jon
funny, not too long

Go see Don Jon
please upload this song
on Reddit
Track Name: Carrie
In 76
we all got our kicks
from a movie both macabre and perverse

it's back on the screen
but somehow everything about it's worse

There's more effects
and Chloe Grace Moretz
pretending that she isn't hot

It's got Julianne Moore
and lots more gore
it might sound better, but it's not

we all know how it's gonna go when we get to that prom scene
there's no surprise
like in Boys Don't Cry
when that dude's got a vagin

They'll dump that pigs blood on her like one thousand times before
Carrie's gonna freak out, we're all really fucking bored

Get into your closet, Carrie
you're not even remotely scary
if anybody sees this movie
they're all gonna laugh at you
Track Name: Oldboy
What would you do if you woke up in a room with no doors and no windows and you only ate dumplings for twenty years?


That's the world of fear that Spike Lee has created, or should we say emulated in Old Boy, Old Boy, Old Boy, Oh boy

Don't get excited, I know this song sounds cool, but we can't help it, just trust us that the movie is not as cool


you want specifics here you go,

The tone's uneven
it's got no style
even Sam Jackson
didn't make me smile

we should all watch the original
but Americans can't deal with subtitles

Old Boy
Oh boy
why'd they lock you in that hotel room?

Old Boy
Oh boy
wish they would lock me in there too

you get to watch tv all day
get drunk all night
your best friends a pillow
you learn how to ninja fight

no rent, no job
live like a total slob
whatever you want to do
just do it

there's one last question
Old Boy, Old Boy
why is this movie called
Old Boy, Old Boy
please answer in the comments
I hope one of you can please tell me
Old Boy
Track Name: Anchorman 2
It's been a long, long time since Anchorman 1 and things ain't going too well

The economy tanked, Michael Jackson is dead, yeah man, the planet has gone to hell

But the now the gang is getting back together
bring you news and sports and weather, so don't you kill yourself my friend

The best news team in San Diego, I'll follow them wherever they go, staying classy right to the end

I must admit I had some doubts, thought this movie would be a pass
but Ron Burgundy came along and pulled that stick right out my ass

Go Anchorman 2 if laughing's what you want to do

Your ticket will be money will spent
and the plot's surprisingly relevant

Celebrity cameos
Burgundy's awesome clothes
we all know comedy sequels usually blow

CaddyShack, pretty whack
Fletch Lives, what gives
Grown-Ups 2, fuck you
get off your ass and go see Anchorman 2!
Track Name: Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit/Devil's Due
We saw two movies last night
One was starring Chris Pine
as a young version of a beloved character
(no, we're not taking about James Kirk)

I guess beloved is too strong
more like kind of well-known
but we think the studio overestimated how well-known
(if you can name the other four Jack Ryan movies, good for you)

Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit
a strange franchise to reboot
do we care about his origins
or are they only borigins
just find some dirty Russians to shoot

He's an American James Bond
but they do differently across the pond
cause here our super spies get bogged down by audits and the strength of the dollar
(stagflation is the real enemy)

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
here's a verdict that you can't refute
It's a competent spy thriller
not too bad, but not too killer
we saw it then we snuck in Devil's Due

Oh my God, how I love found footage
but they didn't even try
didn't try

They seem to know Paranormal Activity was scary
but they don't seem to know quite why

don't know why

It hits the beats, but it's not that fun

if you want to see a movie about a marked one
see The Marked Ones

Don't go see Devil's Due
just watch the baby prank promo on YouTube
all the cool parts are in the trailer
they should have shown the devil nail her
at least then we could have got some more boob
don't they know that all we want is some boob.
Track Name: RoboCop
We're rapping

It's Valentine's Day, a romantic night
Guns, bodies and robots sound about right

Alex Murphy, the Robocop is back
Except this time him AND Louis are black

Michael Keaton's here, what a nice surprise
We could do a whole song bout how we love this guy

Sam Jackson's in it too, we respect him highly
even when he's cast as a future Bill O'Reilly

Still rapping

It's got a plot that's increasingly complicated
like this movie is daring us to hate it

But though the action scenes are totally awful
This movie is surprisingly kind of thoughtful

It made me look at robots differently
cause there's a blurry line between man and machine

like a printer is just a box probably
but a Roomba – seems like it dreams of being free

Free the Roombas

Can Robocop love his child, can he bang his wife
can he eat fried chicken, is this any kind of life?

Even though he's pretty much impossible to stop
it's really sad to be a Robocop

But this is all moot 'cause when push comes to shove
your girl's gonna make you see Endless Love

Maybe next year we can avoid all that
if Hollywood buys our pitch for RoboCat

Dead or alive, you're meowing with me