Movie Review Songs, by Fortress of Attitude

Movie Review Songs

by Fortress of Attitude

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1.	Texas Chainsaw 3D 01:08	lyrics	buy track
We've all seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre Well in this new one they mostly just dropped the last word There's a weird small town conspiracy I guess that gets Leatherface some sympathy But they're not really breaking new ground Reusing that old Polaroid sound There ain't even no nudity And that's the real horror to me! Texas Chainsaw 3D Woulda been better in 2D (less money) I can't say that you should see Texas Chainsaw 3D (Maybe on NetFlix)
2.	A Good Day To Die Hard 02:12	lyrics	buy track
Die Hard 1, a goddamn classic Die Hard 2, slightly less classic Die Hard 3, better than Die Hard 4 Die Hard 5, don't wanna Die Hard no more! He's smashing cars, and shooting guns If I knew what was happening maybe this would be more fun As for the plot, that won't take long We put more thought into this song (and that's not saying much) Directed by John Moore Don't think he's ever seen a Die Hard movie before It's a Good Day to Die Hard Don't even see it if you're paying with a gift card John McClaine used to be the coolest dude Stop playing John McClaine Bruce Willis, just go play the blues It's a Good Day to Die Hard It was directed by a retard But I'm sure it's gonna make bank over seas So brace yourself, they're not done making these!
3.	Oz The Great & Powerful 01:20	lyrics	buy track
We just watched James Franco, ride a tornado to Oz We'd rather be in a tornado, than watch his performance as Oz Yes, Oz was his name, but it's also the place that he was A place full of splendor and munchkins and winkies, but this movie still sucks because because, because, because, because Because of the terrible mess it was Oz The Great and Powerful should be Oz the Flat and Forgettable and Oz should have never been made before they answerd some basic questions There's an east, west, and south witch what happened to the north witch? Why is there just one nice flying monkey? What did we do to piss off the other monkees? Will this movie sync up to Dark Side of The Moon? And why doesn't Oz ever want to go home? Doesn't everybody just want to go home? Halfway through the movie, I just want to go home But it's nice to see Zach Braff working again
4.	GI Joe: Retaliation 01:34	lyrics	buy track
When I was just a boy, I used to play with GI Joes, oh the crazy things I'd make them do Now the Rock, and Magic Mike, and John McClane all got together to make my childhood fantasies come true...GI Joe 2... There are nanobots are hiding the imposter president who goes and destroys London with a crazy rod from outerspace There are ninjas on a zipline a motorcycle made of rockets and an avalanche that kills those zipline ninjas Directed by John M. Chu, I assume he's 10-years-old based on the action sequences and way the plot unfolds Yes, it all seems crazy, not everything makes sense but who amongst had a childhood that made any sense Yo Joe It's not a classic, but it'll do the trick So hold onto your popcorn with that kung-fu grip Yo Joe Check your brain at the door, enjoy the din and rattle Now you know what you're in for and knowing's half the battle
5.	Evil Dead 01:04	lyrics	buy track
When you find a book out in the woods that says don't read me You gotta read it It's written in blood and bound in flesh and it'll raise the dead what the hell, just read it Admit it, you were scared when you heard they were gonna remake Evil Dead Hollywood could have made another turd, but they shit out something awesome instead if you want tree rape its got it split tongue its got it blood vomit if you're sick like us this'll get you off There's something in the woods, I think it might be evil We're all gonna die tonight, and then we'll become evil She's evil, trees evil, you gotta go see evil dead
6.	Oblivion 01:26	lyrics	buy track
If you want to see a movie about a trashman living in the ruins of an abandoned Earth, there's only one movie you really gotta see, and it goes by the name of Wall-E But if you want to see a 2013 release about a man on Earth after all the humans left, well your best bet to be entertained is probably After Earth But that's not out yet so until then Oblivion...is what we got There's something familiar about this Like we're walking through sci-fis greatest hits You like Morpheus They got old Morpheus Dogfights in a canyon And Tom Cruise in a Yankees cap Spoiler Alert! There are twists in this film Nothing is as it seems but it's exactly what you think Spoiler Alert! The gist of this film is that it's really pretty to look at but it's not gonna blow your mind And the pod chick is pretty hot And I wanted the drones to win And Tom Cruise forgot how to smile
7.	Iron Man 3 01:44	lyrics	buy track
It's been a long, cold winter, stuck with Jack Reacher and Gangster Squad I must admit I took some comfort with Identity Thief, so help me God And the calendar says summer don't start for six more weeks, but you and I both know summer starts with Iron Man 3 Tony Stark man, where you been man, Avengers seems so long ago I miss your quips and your goateed lips and did I forgot your sweet ass Iron Man suit I don't care if the plot is thin, I don't care if they messed up the Madarin Give me a suit, I know you got a spare, Hell, it looks like you got them stashed everywhere Iron Man 3, you got a hold on me long as you got Downey, then you got my money I don't care that you gave the bad guys your address, sorry they blew up your house but I could have guessed Iron Man 3, I've been holding in my pee just for you.
8.	The Great Gatsby 01:08	lyrics	buy track
We all read the Great Gatsby in 9th grade and thought it would cool to be Nick Caraway now finally a new movie has been made that shows us how strange it would be to hang with Jay You'd like his parties You'd like his women you probably wouldn't mind watching him swimming but soon you'd find he's one messed up dude He's always bragging about his medals driving way too fast hanging out with gangsters and clinging to the past He'll make you go to awkward brunches ignore those weird phone calls watch him dancing with your cousin And he'll make you film it all The Great Gatsby The green light is calling It's as boring as it is enthralling Nick Caraway should have been balling Jordan, but Baz Luhrman doesn't agree He'd rather distract you with songs by Jay-Z The Good Gatsby
9.	Star Trek Into Darkness 00:52	lyrics	buy track
Kirk and Spock in a bromance Spock and Uhura in a romance There's Scotty and Sulu, Bones with his grumpy face It's basically like Cheers in Space Moral dilemmas secret reveals long conversations about how they feel is it crazy that we think the best parts are when the action stops and the talking starts Star Trek Into Darkness you make my heart go warmer cause you fit in all the action without becoming Transformers It might not be better than the first one but hop in your transporters and set your phasers to fun Why can't summer movies just be like this? Star Trek Into Darkness
10.	Man of Steel 01:02	lyrics	buy track
The Kryptonians have sealed their fate don't know why they can't evacuate But they've sent their only hope on off to earth There Kal-el will be a God Unfortunately so will Zod So far seems like we'll get our money's worth The ultimate illegal alien His daddy thinks he won't fit in But he can't help but save you with his massive girth For two thirds it's going swell But then the last act goes to hell It all adds up to yet another hero's birth Man of Steel's Full of fire and smoke But when all that clears It could use some jokes A brooding hero's origins Felt strangely like Batman Begins But you should see it still cause your friends all will And nobody likes to be left out
11.	The Lone Ranger 01:23	lyrics	buy track
No one was asking for this, the results were mostly tiring They redid The Lone Ranger, I guess the rights were expiring It stars a guy named Armie Hammer as the Lone Ranger with a name like Armie Hammer he should be in the BONE Ranger To become the Lone Ranger, he had to learn hard lessons about life He had to learn to use guns, learn to be an outlaw, learn to have sex with his brother's wife And Tonto, poor Tonto, he's played by a White Man His best friend is a dead crow and he's a huge Buster Keaton fan Lone Ranger's in danger, of being a non-starter Lone Ranger you're stranger than Disney's last flop John Carter but if you want to see a Gore Verbinkski western movie starring Johnny Depp see Rango
12.	Kick Ass 2 01:39	lyrics	buy track
It's the end of the summer nothing much left to do and I know it's a bummer but we gotta see Kick-Ass 2 Can't remember the first one thought it'd matter but it doesn't KickAss still sucks, Hit Girl's still the best, and the bad guy's still McLovin And Kickass as a hero you know you really suck Everyone around you is dying and you don't seem to give a fuck And they want us to believe this is the really real world (this ain't no comic book) But bodies don't fall apart when hit by a little girl (well, it's based on a comic book) Even Jim Carrey won't promote this shit (somebody stop me) this coming from a guy who thought Burt Wonderstone would be a hit Kick-Ass 2 (should've been been called Hit Girl) what did you do? (or Lick-Ass or Owl-Fuck) what's wrong with you? (Now I'm just saying stuff) Kick-Ass 2 (I miss Nick Cage) shame on you (He was funny in the first one) you really blew (Have you seen Drive Angry? It's weird, man)
13.	Don Jon 01:20	lyrics	buy track
Yo Check it Fortress of Attitude back on the mic to review a movie that we actually liked So turn the volume of your iphone on and listen as we tell you about Don Jon He rocks the Jersey Shore like Pauly D and ScarJo's kicking it like Snooki Aaaah, Porno, is his addiction if you ask me that's not much of an affliction He says guy watch pornos nightly but for us, that's putting it lightly Julianne Moore is still the queen of Oscar Nominees who love sex scenes So it's no surprise when she shows up as an insightful widow who loves to fuck Ooooh, Casting gets one more stanza what else is there to say but Tony Danza?! Go see Don Jon Get your porno on JGL at the helm, a surprising debut we're glad to know he's a porno freak too Strong performances, self-assured direction not bad for a movie about erections Breezy, sleazy, it goes down easy a modern romance that ain't even cheesy made my dick hard, and it made think, gonna contemplate when I'm on gimmepink Go see Don Jon funny, not too long Go see Don Jon please upload this song on Reddit
14.	Carrie 01:21	lyrics	buy track
In 76 we all got our kicks from a movie both macabre and perverse 2013 it's back on the screen but somehow everything about it's worse There's more effects and Chloe Grace Moretz pretending that she isn't hot It's got Julianne Moore and lots more gore it might sound better, but it's not we all know how it's gonna go when we get to that prom scene there's no surprise like in Boys Don't Cry when that dude's got a vagin They'll dump that pigs blood on her like one thousand times before Carrie's gonna freak out, we're all really fucking bored Get into your closet, Carrie you're not even remotely scary if anybody sees this movie they're all gonna laugh at you
15.	Oldboy 02:03	lyrics	buy track
What would you do if you woke up in a room with no doors and no windows and you only ate dumplings for twenty years? TWENTY YEARS That's the world of fear that Spike Lee has created, or should we say emulated in Old Boy, Old Boy, Old Boy, Oh boy Don't get excited, I know this song sounds cool, but we can't help it, just trust us that the movie is not as cool NOT AS COOL you want specifics here you go, The tone's uneven it's got no style even Sam Jackson didn't make me smile we should all watch the original but Americans can't deal with subtitles Old Boy Oh boy why'd they lock you in that hotel room? Old Boy Oh boy wish they would lock me in there too you get to watch tv all day get drunk all night your best friends a pillow you learn how to ninja fight no rent, no job live like a total slob whatever you want to do just do it there's one last question Old Boy, Old Boy why is this movie called Old Boy, Old Boy please answer in the comments Respectfully I hope one of you can please tell me Old Boy
16.	Anchorman 2 01:34	lyrics	buy track
It's been a long, long time since Anchorman 1 and things ain't going too well The economy tanked, Michael Jackson is dead, yeah man, the planet has gone to hell But the now the gang is getting back together bring you news and sports and weather, so don't you kill yourself my friend The best news team in San Diego, I'll follow them wherever they go, staying classy right to the end I must admit I had some doubts, thought this movie would be a pass but Ron Burgundy came along and pulled that stick right out my ass Go Anchorman 2 if laughing's what you want to do Your ticket will be money will spent and the plot's surprisingly relevant Celebrity cameos Burgundy's awesome clothes we all know comedy sequels usually blow CaddyShack, pretty whack Fletch Lives, what gives Grown-Ups 2, fuck you get off your ass and go see Anchorman 2!
17.	Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit/Devil's Due 02:24	lyrics	buy track
We saw two movies last night One was starring Chris Pine as a young version of a beloved character (no, we're not taking about James Kirk) I guess beloved is too strong more like kind of well-known but we think the studio overestimated how well-known (if you can name the other four Jack Ryan movies, good for you) Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit a strange franchise to reboot do we care about his origins or are they only borigins just find some dirty Russians to shoot He's an American James Bond but they do differently across the pond cause here our super spies get bogged down by audits and the strength of the dollar (stagflation is the real enemy) Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit here's a verdict that you can't refute It's a competent spy thriller not too bad, but not too killer we saw it then we snuck in Devil's Due Oh my God, how I love found footage but they didn't even try didn't try They seem to know Paranormal Activity was scary but they don't seem to know quite why don't know why It hits the beats, but it's not that fun if you want to see a movie about a marked one see The Marked Ones Don't go see Devil's Due just watch the baby prank promo on YouTube all the cool parts are in the trailer they should have shown the devil nail her at least then we could have got some more boob don't they know that all we want is some boob.
18.	RoboCop 01:32	lyrics	buy track
Robo Cop Reboot We're rapping It's Valentine's Day, a romantic night Guns, bodies and robots sound about right Alex Murphy, the Robocop is back Except this time him AND Louis are black Michael Keaton's here, what a nice surprise We could do a whole song bout how we love this guy Sam Jackson's in it too, we respect him highly even when he's cast as a future Bill O'Reilly Still rapping It's got a plot that's increasingly complicated like this movie is daring us to hate it But though the action scenes are totally awful This movie is surprisingly kind of thoughtful It made me look at robots differently cause there's a blurry line between man and machine like a printer is just a box probably but a Roomba – seems like it dreams of being free Free the Roombas Can Robocop love his child, can he bang his wife can he eat fried chicken, is this any kind of life? Even though he's pretty much impossible to stop it's really sad to be a Robocop But this is all moot 'cause when push comes to shove your girl's gonna make you see Endless Love Maybe next year we can avoid all that if Hollywood buys our pitch for RoboCat Dead or alive, you're meowing with me